crickets

Crickets tonight

as I sit on the couch

yesterday it was a bird call

as I walked back from ultimate frisbee

what tomorrow?

a deer

or rabbit

or squirrel

or two big furry scary raccoons 

making their way to our front steps

ravaging the Cape Cod Chip bag 

and the other bags

on the steps

I slam the door once

to scare them

then again

those bold buggers

come up closer to the door

and I keep it closed

scared

scared of furry raccoons?

They do look squeezable

but I watch them from inside

take a photo through the window

to show the kids

Connor who later says,

Why did you walk away?

or the kids' buddy who points and says,

Hey, look at the paw prints!

because he's right, there they are, those little raccoon prints

going up our front stairs, all the way up to the door.

But now I've cleared the steps

so no raccoons tonight 

to scare me or

keep me company

just me

and the crickets

learning how to be alone

how to be together

letting out our sounds in the ways 

we know.

Meditation

 August 19, 2020

I used to pick a word,

peace

calm

fearless

joy

light.

A ten minute timer and breathing and the word.

And when the thoughts came as they always did

I imagined them as a meditation teacher at Advaita told me,

like clouds passing by,

not judging them or myself,

trying to let them float by instead.

Headspace

gives more guidance

visualizing a sliver of light in the middle of the chest

its expanding out, even beyond the body

counting breaths

1-2-1-2-1-2-1-2

you can count higher 

but counting just one-two calms me

one for the inhale

two for the exhale

one for the inhale

two for the exhale

counting even to ten

might make me feel like I need to reach a goal

so I stick to

one-two one-two one-two.

The woman's voice tells me that I don't need to look for 

joy

it's already there in me or in my brain

it will surface

and the sense of play is also already there in my brain, too,

ready for me when I want it.

Play.

I think -- even though I'm not supposed to think --

about ping pong and puzzles and Connect Four and biking.

I can play.

Peace or fearlessness or calm

or an expanding light

or play

or joy

They're all there.

And I'm here.

Just sit

Be quiet

Just begin,

I tell myself.