The Hardest Step?

May 31, 2020

"I've read books about parents' getting divorced, but I never thought that it would happen to us," says Mary through tears.

I never did either.

I've thought and said aloud, "I'll stay in this marriage because of the kids."  We have four kids, ages 14, 13, 10, 8.  I teach high school Latin and English, and I remember the student essays about the worst moment of a kid's life, when parents sat down their kids to tell them that they were getting divorced.

I tell our kids on Sunday morning, "Your dad and I love you very much. And we have been having problems, so we are going to take a break.  He is moving out for some time."  I'm pretty sure that those are the words I use, though I stop and cry a lot, and Daniel adds to what I say.  The big kids sit on the couch, some tears streaming, saying very little.  Hannah sits on Daniel's lap.  Connor, age 10, sitting on the floor, keeps backing up, farther and farther until he's under the shelf that the tv is on.  He's made himself so small that he fits.  I told Daniel what Connor would ask.  And he does.

"Why is Dad the one moving out?"

"We think that it's best for you kids if I stay here," I tell him.

"Your mom is very competent," Daniel says.

Connor stays hunched in his corner under the tv.

Hannah is sitting on Daniel's lap.  She gets up and gives me a hug.  

The big kids sit and stare.

One kid says, "I thought you were going to say that we had to do a better job with our chores."

Another says, "I thought you were going to say that we were having a family movie."  

We laugh.  

We cry.

Part of me cannot believe that we are doing this to them.  That I am doing this to them.  I have a choice: I can forgive my husband for what is called an emotional affair.  The third.  Or fourth, if you count the high school ex-girlfriend twice.  But I'm not sure that I can really and truly forgive again (or maybe whether I ever did), and I don't want to be feeling anger and resentment in my own house every time something smaller comes up, something unrelated to these relationships.  

I need some ease. Emotional ease.

Our kids know that they are loved and valued.  I know they do.  I do not feel that way in my marriage.  

I wouldn't want them to stay where they didn't feel loved and valued.