I'm 48 today. What better way to start the day than to make a gratitude list...I imagine that it won't be too difficult to come with 48 things I'm grateful for today...the difficulty is/will be more in leaving each item as an item and not a stream of consciousness explanation that veers into a few stories. After all, I have been awake since 4am, it's now 5:48am, and I want to get more sleep before the kids wake up, the kids who have decorated the dining room table for me (but I haven't gone in yet!...though I did see, as I walked from the front hall into the kitchen an hour ago, a piece of black construction paper hanging from the doorway...and written in light, standing out, block letters with lines within decorating them, was Happy Birthday, Mom. A sign of beauty, of love, of art. Oh, Connor, I can feel the love in that sign. Tangent one, already. But the list. I will make this list and then go back to sleep. And perhaps the list will lead to stories and thoughts...and this is okay...and those stories will have to wait for another day. This morning, to start my birthday, I am simply making a list of 48 things I am grateful for. I won't be able to fit everything, so I will just go quickly, without thinking too much about what I'm missing, how I should word things, whose feelings I could hurt, when I'm going back to sleep.
In no particular order here on this Tuesday morning, as I sit on our couch -- Skip's couch -- here in the living room...
1. gli uccelli (what would we do without their sounds?)
2. trees....standing tall and lying on the ground
3. deer
4. snakes in the woods
5. learning the piano -- Amazing Grace, I'll memorize you soon! Sonatina -- watch out, Sebastian, here I come!
6. the windows in our dining room
7. our new red umbrella on the back porch
8. the back porch on which I sit to read or write or lie down or talk on the phone or eat a meal or have a gathering with friends or family
9. the ping pong table and the easy way it gives us to hang out with each other
10. books books books
11. Thayer Academy
12. the way Connor and Hannah jumped in and out of Ponkapoag Pond yesterday, flopping in, asking me to video them as they raced in, Connor in his underwear and Hannah in her Zeus shorts, lining up on the sand, dashing in as fast as they could, and diving. Splash!
13. yoga with Adrienne
14. Robin Long pilates
15. Sandra's class at the Y (will I ever get to go again?)
16. Scituate
17. Gram
18. coffee (who knew?!)
19. turtles from Margo -- not opened yet! And she said that I don't even need to share them with the kids!
20. Mary's kindness and hug and listening as I cried (transferred?) about not going to Scituate next week (misread the schedule and planned to go when it's already booked)
21. a two and a half hour phone conversation with Cecilia days ago....being able to tell her anything and laugh and cry and everything in between
22. a text from Joey yesterday -- a day early to say Happy Birthday
23. Tara's email filled with emoji's yesterday
24. my oldest friend, Tara, whom I've known since I was five. A support in these last months, a support I never knew I would need, never thought I would confide
25. learning Italian via Jhumpa Lahri's In Oltre Parole and Nicholas Sparks' Le Parole Non Che Ho Detto
26. Italian movies on netflix
27. netflix
28. this blue sweatshirt of Chrissie's that I wear all the time...in fact, the many many clothes I have that are Christine's hand-me-downs...Chrissie then with me so often whether I wear her clothes or listen to her music on my phone. Chrissie.
29. walks with Julie in Prospect Hill
30. Hannah's hundred kisses on Sunday
31. reading The Little Prince and Flora and Ulysses and Despereaux with Hannah
32. Sebastian's laughter and deepening voice as he talks on the phone with Jonathan past 11pm last night
33. Connor's birthday sign that touched my head as I walked into the kitchen this morning
34. Mary's bringing me a cup of hot water in bed last Thursday morning
35. Mary's doing her cupcake puzzle at the dining room table last week, each day, patiently, quietly, intently
36. the quiet and picked up house of last week when it was only Mary and I
37. the full bustling love noise calm that filled the house once the others returned from Vermont on Friday night
38. the dining room table that I can spy from this couch, but I'm not going to check out...decorated by the kids for my birthday (loves!)
39. Christa's text yesterday and her book choices to arrive in the mail soon...a two hour phone conversation with her a few Saturdays ago
40. my health health health -- the ability to walk and run and play ping pong and swim and do yoga and pilates and bike and play ultimate frisbee and basketball
41. journalling, blogging, writing letters, writing emails
42. music, so much music..
43. Mary's and Sebastian's learning and recognizing music of the 80s and 90s ...S on Saturday as I made dinner, "Is this James Taylor?"...years since I played James Taylor...
44. Paine Estate
45. bright yoga mats
46. Peggy
47. movies movies movies
48. not working in the summer or at least minimally working
As I got into the 40s I slowed down, slower, slower. Not because I didn't have more things for which I'm grateful, but because I was afraid that I had missed something so important, something that would come to mind later and I'd think, Oh, gosh! I missed that! How did I miss that? But for now I am not going to reread this list because I may do that to myself or feel bad that I didn't get a certain friend of family member or moment on that list. Instead, I can think of this as a starter list. More has already come to mind in the moments since I wrote #47: my car (I love the freedom a car gives me...I always have...), my bike (to be able to go somewhere and stay outside!), Justin, Jenn's forgiveness, LeeAnn, Dutch Blitz and Connect Four, Connor's army guys, Hannah's eyes, Sebastian's being taller than I am, dancing in the kitchen with the kids -- ooooh, I really want to sneak that one in there...but no, no altering the list..it's just a moment in time...Mary's passions and tiramisu.
6:15am. Time to go back to bed before anyone wakes up.
Mary forgot to put out the trash and recycling. I could do it. I don't want to do it.
No wonder Ross Gay wrote The Book of Delights.
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